Derek came up to me the other day and he told me he had a joke for me. Please tell me i responded.
Well, he said, There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget....
I can't remember what happened after that......
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Put Your Hand Up If You Hate Christmas!
Am i the only person who dislikes Christmas more every year?
Not only do the shops over-load with rubbish that people get over-hyped about and subsequently forget about in February the next year.
Christmas is an all-round phenomenon now, it begins on December the 26th and ends on December the 25th, like a more celebrated tax year. The only difference being is people look forward to Christmas, i do not know anyone that looks forward to April 5th.
It is an unnecessary reason to throw relatives that do not get on into situations that they all feel uncomfortable in. I do not get on with one of my sisters, yet every year i am compelled by the spirit of the holiday to talk to her for hours on end about her year, and why we are no longer in touch. Because you work for the Conservative Party Campaign. That's why.
I am also compelled to spend substantial amounts of money on gifts for people i never see, and do not really like. Nephew's who cause their parents no end of trouble, and Nieces that insist on having the latest make-up to go with their new fashionable shell-suits or whatever youngsters are wearing these days.
The Coca-Cola advert that brings happiness to many lives is a thorn in my side. In makes me physically ache when i hear the sleigh-bells.
If only reindeer suffered from some sort of 'Mad Cow's Disease' that left them unable to fly around the world, then the holidays would be one worth looking forward to.
The only thing i look forward to this Christmas is the prospect of Rick Wakeman paraphernalia.
Not only do the shops over-load with rubbish that people get over-hyped about and subsequently forget about in February the next year.
Christmas is an all-round phenomenon now, it begins on December the 26th and ends on December the 25th, like a more celebrated tax year. The only difference being is people look forward to Christmas, i do not know anyone that looks forward to April 5th.
It is an unnecessary reason to throw relatives that do not get on into situations that they all feel uncomfortable in. I do not get on with one of my sisters, yet every year i am compelled by the spirit of the holiday to talk to her for hours on end about her year, and why we are no longer in touch. Because you work for the Conservative Party Campaign. That's why.
I am also compelled to spend substantial amounts of money on gifts for people i never see, and do not really like. Nephew's who cause their parents no end of trouble, and Nieces that insist on having the latest make-up to go with their new fashionable shell-suits or whatever youngsters are wearing these days.
The Coca-Cola advert that brings happiness to many lives is a thorn in my side. In makes me physically ache when i hear the sleigh-bells.
If only reindeer suffered from some sort of 'Mad Cow's Disease' that left them unable to fly around the world, then the holidays would be one worth looking forward to.
The only thing i look forward to this Christmas is the prospect of Rick Wakeman paraphernalia.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
The Silent Assassin
Everywhere i look now i get a none to subtle reminder of the dangers facing people my age, and people everywhere.
The Silent Assassin lurks all around us, and this is no Hollywood film starring Steven Seagal or Jean Claude Van Damme.
No it reminds us that there is always a cloaked felon lurking over our shoulders, ready to sting us with his icy finger of Diabetes. So from now on when you see someone falling over in a supermarket, if there is someone there wearing a black coat, or similar garment, it would be ok to assume, from these posters, that they are responsible for this persons predicament.
A good number of my friends suffer from Diabetes, but they, like me, find it difficult to believe that there is a masked crusader hell bent on unleashing a lifetime of regular insulin injections and forever planning your diet and alcohol intake on the unsuspecting public.
It is an important issue, many more youngsters are suffering from Diabetes unknowingly and are powerless to stop its onset.
However comparing this to the grim reaper is perhaps a step to far, for there are many things in life worse than Diabetes, such as death.
Say No to the Silent Assassin.
Rick Wakeman would.
The Silent Assassin lurks all around us, and this is no Hollywood film starring Steven Seagal or Jean Claude Van Damme.
No it reminds us that there is always a cloaked felon lurking over our shoulders, ready to sting us with his icy finger of Diabetes. So from now on when you see someone falling over in a supermarket, if there is someone there wearing a black coat, or similar garment, it would be ok to assume, from these posters, that they are responsible for this persons predicament.
A good number of my friends suffer from Diabetes, but they, like me, find it difficult to believe that there is a masked crusader hell bent on unleashing a lifetime of regular insulin injections and forever planning your diet and alcohol intake on the unsuspecting public.
It is an important issue, many more youngsters are suffering from Diabetes unknowingly and are powerless to stop its onset.
However comparing this to the grim reaper is perhaps a step to far, for there are many things in life worse than Diabetes, such as death.
Say No to the Silent Assassin.
Rick Wakeman would.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Gurning In Goole...
This Thursday gone i had the opportunity to fulfill a lifelong ambition. Well to say it was lifelong would be incorrect, it was probably since i was about 10/11.
It was after i moved from Cirencester, Somerset, with my parents to be closer to both sets of grandparents. that i had the chance to go with my Grandmother, god rest her soul, to the National Gurning Championships in Egremont, Cumbria. It was 1958 and my Grandmother was the challenger to the thrown of one Betty Arbuckle, the three times gurning champion, local to Egremont.
It began a love affair of mine with the tradition.
The location: Goole, Yorkshire
The time: 2pm
The task: to take place in my first ever gurning championships.
Tough crowd to please it seemed, judging by the first couple of contestants, who were unmercifully heckled off the platform.
I was next. I led with the upper jaw lift, accompanied with scrunched eyes, wide nostrils and ears pointed out towards the famous twin water towers of the port.
That did not go down well.
I was ready for my next gurn, and in attempting to win over the crowd i tried to whoop them up into a frenzy with arm pumping and shouting.
Then i saw a large red object out the corner of my eye. It was not particularly large but it was in perspective to the speed it was coming at me. It was a tomato, and it hit me just under the eye.
Like the previous two contestants i was heckled off the stage, and in that moment a lifelong ambition went down the drain, which is ironically where the tomatoes ended up going.
I wonder if Rick Wakeman is any good at gurning.
I would like to think so.
It was after i moved from Cirencester, Somerset, with my parents to be closer to both sets of grandparents. that i had the chance to go with my Grandmother, god rest her soul, to the National Gurning Championships in Egremont, Cumbria. It was 1958 and my Grandmother was the challenger to the thrown of one Betty Arbuckle, the three times gurning champion, local to Egremont.
It began a love affair of mine with the tradition.
The location: Goole, Yorkshire
The time: 2pm
The task: to take place in my first ever gurning championships.
Tough crowd to please it seemed, judging by the first couple of contestants, who were unmercifully heckled off the platform.
I was next. I led with the upper jaw lift, accompanied with scrunched eyes, wide nostrils and ears pointed out towards the famous twin water towers of the port.
That did not go down well.
I was ready for my next gurn, and in attempting to win over the crowd i tried to whoop them up into a frenzy with arm pumping and shouting.
Then i saw a large red object out the corner of my eye. It was not particularly large but it was in perspective to the speed it was coming at me. It was a tomato, and it hit me just under the eye.
Like the previous two contestants i was heckled off the stage, and in that moment a lifelong ambition went down the drain, which is ironically where the tomatoes ended up going.
I wonder if Rick Wakeman is any good at gurning.
I would like to think so.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
What Has Happened To Music?
This morning i was walking down Scunthorpe high street when i looked in a shop, his masters voice, the one with the dog and the grammar phone, not sure if it's called that anymore. Anyway I decided to see if there were any old 1970s prog-rock albums on sale, as i only had £7.47 left in my pocket after i spent £15 on new jumpers at the 'Edinburgh Woollen Mill'.
I was looking more specifically for 'Selling England by the Pound' by Genesis, as it is the only vinyl of their back catalogue i do not own.
To my dismay there were no vinyl’s.
I was walking round the shop for twenty minutes before i found someone who would talk to me, and trying to understand their youthful slang words, the only thing i could gauge was that there was no longer vinyl on sale in the store. Not owning a machine that plays compact discs i spent a further twenty minutes looking round to see if there was anything else to my taste, as i was due to meet Derek for a pint in the harp and crown at noon.
Now what the hell has happened to music in the last decade. All i could see was bands with funny masks on that sang about death, dolled up to the eyeballs twenty something’s wearing very little clothing on posters, it's November for Christ’s sake they must have been freezing.
I saw a disgraceful overuse of the racist word beginning with 'n' but was informed by a passer-by who heard my rumblings that this was in fact a hit band in the 1990's who possessed a large amount of attitude.
I put on some headphones, because the wall next to them was advertising free music and was greeted with a choice of ten different bands on a compilation disc that all began with the word 'the'.
Now is it me or does 'the Bravery' not make grammatical sense. And don't even get me started on the 'Black Kids', which is a little bit of false advertising.
With only ten minutes left i decided to go and ask behind the counter for any prog-rock Paraphernalia. I left the store with £5.47 left in my pocket and a large mug with a picture of the band 'Gong' on the side.
For the first time in a long time i left a store quite content with my purchase.
If only they had some Rick Wakeman memorabilia, then i wouldn't have been able to afford that pint with Derek.
I was looking more specifically for 'Selling England by the Pound' by Genesis, as it is the only vinyl of their back catalogue i do not own.
To my dismay there were no vinyl’s.
I was walking round the shop for twenty minutes before i found someone who would talk to me, and trying to understand their youthful slang words, the only thing i could gauge was that there was no longer vinyl on sale in the store. Not owning a machine that plays compact discs i spent a further twenty minutes looking round to see if there was anything else to my taste, as i was due to meet Derek for a pint in the harp and crown at noon.
Now what the hell has happened to music in the last decade. All i could see was bands with funny masks on that sang about death, dolled up to the eyeballs twenty something’s wearing very little clothing on posters, it's November for Christ’s sake they must have been freezing.
I saw a disgraceful overuse of the racist word beginning with 'n' but was informed by a passer-by who heard my rumblings that this was in fact a hit band in the 1990's who possessed a large amount of attitude.
I put on some headphones, because the wall next to them was advertising free music and was greeted with a choice of ten different bands on a compilation disc that all began with the word 'the'.
Now is it me or does 'the Bravery' not make grammatical sense. And don't even get me started on the 'Black Kids', which is a little bit of false advertising.
With only ten minutes left i decided to go and ask behind the counter for any prog-rock Paraphernalia. I left the store with £5.47 left in my pocket and a large mug with a picture of the band 'Gong' on the side.
For the first time in a long time i left a store quite content with my purchase.
If only they had some Rick Wakeman memorabilia, then i wouldn't have been able to afford that pint with Derek.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
My Nemesis, The Broken Pavement
Walking out of my house and down the road, a broken piece of pavement has been an increasing risk to me over the last couple of weeks.It got cracked when a stray Kia Sedona travelling down my street, managed to flip onto the path while attempting to escape local police, in an incident which made the front page of the Scunthorpe Telegraph.
I know of this Kia because in my later years of being a council employed traffic warden, I had to deal with this car's despicable parking on many occasions, and on many of these occasions it would provoke an argument.
This pavement has not only been the cause of one trip to hospital, after i tripped and managed to sprain a muscle in my lower back muscles, but has also been the cause of the use of nearly two boxes of plasters, where i have cut my ankles on the spiky concrete.
Taking more initiative than the council i decided to take action myself.
After walking to a local DIY store i bought myself some concrete mix and rented a cement mixer from a friend of mine, who after letting off of a parking fine, owed me a favour.
According to the council, private personal reconstruction of a public road is illegal.
Not only was i not allowed to mend the road, i have since cut my ankle a further three times.
I hate that piece of pavement nearly as much as the showbiz marriage between Vanessa Feltz and that ghastly Older Brother programme at the turn of the century.
That woman makes my blood boil.
I wish Rick Wakeman could shut her up.
I know of this Kia because in my later years of being a council employed traffic warden, I had to deal with this car's despicable parking on many occasions, and on many of these occasions it would provoke an argument.
This pavement has not only been the cause of one trip to hospital, after i tripped and managed to sprain a muscle in my lower back muscles, but has also been the cause of the use of nearly two boxes of plasters, where i have cut my ankles on the spiky concrete.
Taking more initiative than the council i decided to take action myself.
After walking to a local DIY store i bought myself some concrete mix and rented a cement mixer from a friend of mine, who after letting off of a parking fine, owed me a favour.
According to the council, private personal reconstruction of a public road is illegal.
Not only was i not allowed to mend the road, i have since cut my ankle a further three times.
I hate that piece of pavement nearly as much as the showbiz marriage between Vanessa Feltz and that ghastly Older Brother programme at the turn of the century.
That woman makes my blood boil.
I wish Rick Wakeman could shut her up.
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